Up until this point I had never really felt uncomfortable where I went and what I was doing, however this interesting night changed that. After getting back from my previous date I decided to browse the internet in hopes of getting such a terrible few hours out of my head. Little did I know what I was getting myself in for. The conversation we struck up online was just one sexual suggestion through innuendo after another, so naturally I told her we should hang out tonight. I got her address and headed north near the U-District to meet her.
She wasn’t anything special looks wise, but she was doing a chubby cute thing that worked well for her, and she looked much better without clothes on, which I appreciated. Getting up there wasn’t a problem but parking was a bitch, and I ended up getting a parking ticket which only further soured the event. So I’m driving in circles outside her apartment, talking to her on the phone and failing at finding parking, and she comes out with a very cute dog. I love dogs so I think it’s going to be fun to hang out at her place; however, when I end up getting within ten feet of the little guy he yelps and goes flying under a car. She explains the dog was abused and won’t go near any guys… great. I go towards her apartment door and she yanks her dog out from under the car, and to be honest it didn’t look like much fun to be yanked around by her. Anyways, she is out walking her dog and I’m sitting on a step pretty much in the open looking down a cobweb filled hallway that is filled with dirt and grime. Part of me speculates that this is a door way to some terrible underworld, and I had only seen the first circle of terrors. I pop open a beer and start drinking… fast I know that I’m in for an interesting night.
She gets back from walking her dog and says, “why are you sitting out here the door is open,” so I scurry forward and through the door, trying my best to stay as far away from the terrified dog as possible. I’m beginning to think he knew something that I didn’t. I start my second beer and we sit down on her couch and talk for a while, mostly about movies and her movie collection. The only one I hadn’t seen was Juno, which was the highlight of the night; it is not often I see good movies that I hadn’t seen before. The most important part of watching the movie was her cat, her fat, furry, adorable cat. He was incredibly friendly and spent a lot of time on my lap, really improved the first part of the evening. However, during the movie when we were trying to cuddle the cat would start getting in the way. This was cute at first, and got increasingly annoying at the night went on, however I did enjoy the cats company so it didn’t really become a problem until later.
So the movie ended and I had just finished my third beer, and now it was approaching midnight. She says she is tired and I should come to bed with her, although it is obvious she really meant let’s go screw for a while. However, in spite of the obvious intentions we both still laid down in her bed with some semblance of clothing on, which came right off. Her bed was really comfortable and I would have been happy just going to sleep, but obviously with the clothes off we were going at it pretty quickly. After grabbing some condoms out from under her bed, thank goodness she had my size, I start on top and for some reason I was just exhausted. I couldn’t really go nearly as hard and fast as I wanted to, so after like 15 minutes of stroking away we switch to her on top. She rides me like a pro, and looked great on top of me, but for some reason it just wasn’t getting it done. She moans and finally rolls off of me, and says to me through panting breaths, that it was great and she got off twice. I’m surprised to be honest, and she could have been lying, but frankly I’ll just take that stuff at face value.
So the night really got weird after the sex as finished, partially because I was still hard as a rock and partially because I didn’t really want to be there for the rest of the night but was too tired to go home. So we start to go to sleep, and after an unknown amount of time I wake up holding her. However, with the man of steel still standing at attention I try to fondle her and get started again, this was met with absolutely no success, she was clearly exhausted from before. Naturally, I go back to sleep and try to wait the night out. I wake up a second time, and somehow we had switched positions on the bed, and I have a killer headache, which was to be expected I had a feeling I was sick. I get up to use the bathroom and take some Motrin, and head back to sleep. When I get back to the bed the cat is laying in my spot, I’m not really sure what to do about this, so I gently pick him up and move him, hoping she doesn’t notice, and go back to sleep for a third time. I wake up another time during the night, at this point it is getting ridiculous, and I look over and she is picking up the cat, and the bed it sleeps in, and plops it right down on the bed, right next to our heads. I love cats and all but when I’m in my birthday suite sweating like a pig the last thing I need to do is get covered in cat hair. I don’t say anything because it is her apartment, but I didn’t really want to sleep with a cat bed.
I can has your soul? They almost did...
After these few small flashes of terror in the night, and if you were there it was terrifying, I did not know that the worse part of the endevour was still to come. I’m roused awake by the sound of an alarm, at 7 in the morning. I kind of am in a daze and noticing that I’m covered in cat hair and all of a sudden she is looming over me and says, “I know you have been waiting for this all night.” Here I am laying down in her bed half asleep thinking of an escape plan and she is getting ready to mount up again. The part that made this terrifying is that she was showing me her birth control, and trying to get going without a condom. I won’t have that and sort of hold her off while trying to reach for a condom, I didn't have the energy to shove her off, gather my clothes, and run like a bat out of hell. It was a horrifying struggle but fortunately I won out and managed to wrap my tool. She gets on hard and fast and I’m not sure whether it was a massive desire to get the fuck out or because I had been frustratingly horny all night but I came pretty fast.
She rolls off and looks disappointed and starts talking about her morning routine and things of that nature. I don’t really care because I was inches away from getting violated without a condom. However, she says the magic words, I need to walk my dog, and take the opportunity to get the hell out of there. I tell her it will be easier to take him for a walk if I’m not around and promptly put on my cat-hair covered clothes and leave. Grabbing my left over beer I fight rush hour traffic on a Friday morning and get home, where I sleep long and restlessly.
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