Last of the Big Girls (I hope)

Sorry for the long delay loyal readers, with having to move coming up and needing a break from the constant struggle of finding a girl every week I just needed a break.  Tonight I am back with a vengeance, I have my next 2 dates lined up and I hope you enjoy this post.

The date started unexpectedly early, I was cleaning my room and apartment when I realized I had gotten everything finished way ahead of schedule.  So I send her a text message and she said she was on her way.  However, upon further reflection I realized that I hadn’t actually finished cleaning and with a deadline coming up I was pretty frantic about getting everything together.  Anyways, on to the part you care about.

Unlike previous girls that had come to my apartment she found parking fairly easily and knew the general area, so I went out to meet her.  I realized once again I had been a victim to some my space angles and she was a little bit bigger then I had expected.  However, she wasn’t fat just a little chubby, but I promise that barring some horrible camera trickery (which is bound to happen at least once more) I won’t put myself through another night with a big girl.  That wasn’t what struck me the most though, what it really was, were the combat boots she had on.  I knew that I had made a terrible mistake, but I was in too deep already.  She comes inside and sits on the couch, I get her a beer and grab one for myself and we try and figure out what movie to watch.  I honestly don’t even remember the first movie we watched, but I don’t think it was a scary one.  However, we spent most of the time talking.  I found out she knew the area because of the old persons home that’s a few blocks from my apartment.  The funny part about it, was that the top half was like an elderly community and the bottom was more of a nursing home, which they tried to hide from the elderly people on the top half of the building.  I also found out she was an EMT and that she loved telling horrific stories about her job.  I love my horror movies but the 3 finger amputation you had to perform on someone’s hand is not appropriate pillow talk.  Needless to say she kept me reeling in horror all night at, a lot more so then the movie.  I talked about my job, but I made sure to never be specific about what I did.  This became a great cat and mouse game where she tried to try and get information out of me and I stayed hilariously ambiguous.  Not being allowed to talk about what I’m working on has become such a useful line during these exchanges.  I’m pretty sure she thinks I am an effects animator or some non realistic job like that. 

So we start the second movie, and I finish my third beer, I get her to move closer to me, and do the whole arm around half hug half cuddle thing.  It is actually extremely relaxing, but whenever I moved my arm up under her chest she made a little mmf sound, so it was pretty clear she was a little on the sensitive side in that area.  It was pretty easy to use that to my advantage and I spent the rest of the movie teasing her in that way.  However, something wasn’t quite right, and it took me a little too long to figure it out.

The rest of the second movie went by fairly easily and we started the third and final film, a surprisingly entertaining British movie about zombies taking over a town that wasn’t “Sean of the Dead”.  During the third movie I get under her shirt and in no time flat she is out of her bra and shirt and was doing some fairly good work on her chest.  Without much hesitation I start going for her pants, but had a lot of trouble getting her belt off.  We were both laughing at my inability to undo a belt with one hand, which is actually extremely hard to do, even harder when it isn’t your belt.  So we start kissing and she has got to be the single worse kisser I had ever kissed in my life.  She kept her lips tightly closed together but was sticking her tongue out at me, it didn’t make sense and it wasn’t even a pleasant sensation so I gave up on that for the rest of the night.  Anyways, getting the pants undone took longer than expected and I start working on her with my hand, and she lets out the lowest pitched moan I had ever heard from a girl.  I tried to ignore it and keep going but it just kept getting lower and lower the more I did, it was the most unfeminine noise I could think of.  Fortunately for me she seemed to reach a stopping  point, and I was able to pull out and not have to worry about It again.

Next she tried to undo my belt and went through the same hilarious mishaps that I did, we laughed about it and then she went down on me.  For a complete inability to kiss she was a beast with her mouth on me.  I tried holding out and making it last but she had her lips locked like a vacuum seal down on me, it was the best blowjob I had ever gotten.  She was the first girl I had gotten a bJ from who swallowed and it was something I could pretty easily get used to. 

Use your imagination

Anyways, after I got off we kind of laid back down together, she kept her shirt off, and I did something I really didn’t expect.  Before I could count to three I was out cold, fast asleep and had no rhyme or reason for why.  I’m not sure how she reacted because when I came to, before the movie was even finished, she was talked like she had no idea I was asleep.After waking up I go splash some water in my face and when I come back she is sitting in an awkward position so that I am completely unable to be next to her on the couch.  So I sit there and watch the movie in this awkward situation and when it’s finished I decide it is time to wrap things up.  I apologize for being so tired and she gets the picture.  After getting her shirt and bra back on I walk her to the door, and we kiss good night.  What I didn’t see coming was her completely missing my mouth and kissing the area between my lip and my nose, pretty much what I should have expected considering the rest of the kisses we had during the night.

This is exactly how the last kiss went, except the girl screwd up

Finally Uncomfortable

Up until this point I had never really felt uncomfortable where I went and what I was doing, however this interesting night changed that.  After getting back from my previous date I decided to browse the internet in hopes of getting such a terrible few hours out of my head.  Little did I know what I was getting myself in for.  The conversation we struck up online was just one sexual suggestion through innuendo after another, so naturally I told her we should hang out tonight.  I got her address and headed north near the U-District to meet her.

She wasn’t anything special looks wise, but she was doing a chubby cute thing that worked well for her, and she looked much better without clothes on, which I appreciated.  Getting up there wasn’t a problem but parking was a bitch, and I ended up getting a parking ticket which only further soured the event.  So I’m driving in circles outside her apartment, talking to her on the phone and failing at finding parking, and she comes out with a very cute dog.  I love dogs so I think it’s going to be fun to hang out at her place; however, when I end up getting within ten feet of the little guy he yelps and goes flying under a car.  She explains the dog was abused and won’t go near any guys… great.  I go towards her apartment door and she yanks her dog out from under the car, and to be honest it didn’t look like much fun to be yanked around by her.  Anyways, she is out walking her dog and I’m sitting on a step pretty much in the open looking down a cobweb filled hallway that is filled with dirt and grime.  Part of me speculates that this is a door way to some terrible underworld, and I had only seen the first circle of terrors.  I pop open a beer and start drinking… fast I know that I’m in for an interesting night.

She gets back from walking her dog and says, “why are you sitting out here the door is open,” so I scurry forward and through the door, trying my best to stay as far away from the terrified dog as possible.  I’m beginning to think he knew something that I didn’t.  I start my second beer and we sit down on her couch and talk for a while, mostly about movies and her movie collection.  The only one I hadn’t seen was Juno, which was the highlight of the night; it is not often I see good movies that I hadn’t seen before.  The most important part of watching the movie was her cat, her fat, furry, adorable cat.  He was incredibly friendly and spent a lot of time on my lap, really improved the first part of the evening.  However, during the movie when we were trying to cuddle the cat would start getting in the way.  This was cute at first, and got increasingly annoying at the night went on, however I did enjoy the cats company so it didn’t really become a problem until later.

So the movie ended and I had just finished my third beer, and now it was approaching midnight.  She says she is tired and I should come to bed with her, although it is obvious she really meant let’s go screw for a while.   However, in spite of the obvious intentions we both still laid down in her bed with some semblance of clothing on, which came right off.  Her bed was really comfortable and I would have been happy just going to sleep, but obviously with the clothes off we were going at it pretty quickly.  After grabbing some condoms out from under her bed, thank goodness she had my size, I start on top and for some reason I was just exhausted.  I couldn’t really go nearly as hard and fast as I wanted to, so after like 15 minutes of stroking away we switch to her on top.  She rides me like a pro, and looked great on top of me, but for some reason it just wasn’t getting it done.  She moans and finally rolls off of me, and says to me through panting breaths, that it was great and she got off twice.  I’m surprised to be honest, and she could have been lying, but frankly I’ll just take that stuff at face value.  

So the night really got weird after the sex as finished, partially because I was still hard as a rock and partially because I didn’t really want to be there for the rest of the night but was too tired to go home.  So we start to go to sleep, and after an unknown amount of time I wake up holding her.  However, with the man of steel still standing at attention I try to fondle her and get started again, this was met with absolutely no success, she was clearly exhausted from before.  Naturally, I go back to sleep and try to wait the night out.  I wake up a second time, and somehow we had switched positions on the bed, and I have a killer headache, which was to be expected I had a feeling I was sick.  I get up to use the bathroom  and take some Motrin, and head back to sleep.  When I get back to the bed the cat is laying in my spot, I’m not really sure what to do about this, so I gently pick him up and move him, hoping she doesn’t notice, and go back to sleep for a third time.   I wake up another time during the night, at this point it is getting ridiculous, and I look over and she is picking up the cat, and the bed it sleeps in, and plops it right down on the bed, right next to our heads.  I love cats and all but when I’m in my birthday suite sweating like a pig the last thing I need to do is get covered in cat hair.  I don’t say anything because it is her apartment, but I didn’t really want to sleep with a cat bed.

I can has your soul?  They almost did...

After these few small flashes of terror in the night, and if you were there it was terrifying, I did not know that the worse part of the endevour was still to come.  I’m roused awake by the sound of an alarm, at 7 in the morning.  I kind of am in a daze and noticing that I’m covered in cat hair and all of a sudden she is looming over me and says, “I know you have been waiting for this all night.”  Here I am laying down in her bed half asleep thinking of an escape plan and she is getting ready to mount up again.  The part that made this terrifying is that she was showing me her birth control, and trying to get going without a condom.  I won’t have that and sort of hold her off while trying to reach for a condom, I didn't have the energy to shove her off, gather my clothes, and run like a bat out of hell.  It was a horrifying struggle but fortunately I won out and managed to wrap my tool.  She gets on hard and fast and I’m not sure whether it was a massive desire to get the fuck out or because I had been frustratingly horny all night but I came pretty fast.  

She rolls off and looks disappointed and starts talking about her morning routine and things of that nature.  I don’t really care because I was inches away from getting violated without a condom.  However, she says the magic words, I need to walk my dog, and take the opportunity to get the hell out of there.  I tell her it will be easier to take him for a walk if I’m not around and promptly put on my cat-hair covered clothes and leave.  Grabbing my left over beer I fight rush hour traffic on a Friday morning and get home, where I sleep long and restlessly.

God Damn My Space Angles

So my date on Thursday was really unsuccessful, I honestly didn't have anything in common with the girl.  Anyways, she calls me up and I see her driving around her super mini in circles not knowing where to park so I walk out to the street and guide her into a parking lot.  She gets out of the car and instead of the cute girl I see in the pic there is a very very short girl whose over all shape was more akin to a box then really anything else.  I'm a little disappointed but clearly don't show it, so we start making our way to the Seattle Center where we are going to watch a movie.  

On the walk there we talk about various things like music, and what she was doing with her life.  Finding out that she used to live in Austin Texas, which I thought made for some decent pieces of conversation.  However, ultimately I couldn't stand her taste in music and she seemed very immature, which wasn't entirely to be expected but if I wanted to take a 12 year old out to lunch and a movie I would hope she is a cousin or something, not a date.  So we make our way to the Seattle center and I tell her I don't really know where I'm going which is kind of fun, but she seemed to think that I didn't really have a plan.  To be honest I didn't, so we ended up in the food court which I found out is a surprisingly good food court, a lot of selection with a large variety of prices.  We ended up at a burger place where I got a bbq bacon burger and she had a normal burger.

We are sitting in line at the burger place and she is getting her iphone out and using it all over the place and I decide that I'm really not having any fun, so I make some of my own entertainment.  We talk about a few random things, like the place she visits during the summer which is all she talks about, and I decide to tell her I have an embarrassingly bad short term memory and that I'm sorry if I ask her the same questions over and over again.  I was lucky enough to keep a completely straight face and got through the rest of the conversation.  One of the things I found out in this short period of time is that she doesn't like any sports, doesn't follow any teams, doesn't have a specific taste in music, isn't quite sure what she likes to do in her free time, and wishes she was at the place where she spends her summer.  Naturally, I wasn't going to feel bad about how the rest of the date went.  So I decide to ask her who her favorite musician is and what kind of music they play... for the second time.  

We get our food and sit down and I continue to try and figure out if she does anything with her life, but was having very little success.  I have seen rain puddles with more depth than she was showing; maybe she didn't like me and was only laughing to be polite.  The rest of the date wasn't really about her anyways at this point and I was really only doing things for my own amusement, sorry if that sounds terrible but if you aren't going to try and hold a conversation I'm going to show very little remorse.  I was lucky there was a middle school concert going on to break up our conversation and let me flick the little reset switch on my short term memory, we get up to go as I strike up a riveting conversation about music once again.  Don't get me wrong it wasn't exactly the same but I structured it in such a way that I was letting on that I had forgotten something I was trying to remember.  So I talked a bit about the kind of music I liked and what concerts she had gone to, and then of course had to ask her who her favorite band was again, and we went to the movie.

The movie was the best part of the date and I highly recommend Monsters vs. Aliens 3d IMAX to anyone who can get to an IMAX movie.  Three Dimensional computer generated explosions are entertaining regardless of the format they are being presented in.  The movie also had a surprisingly recognizable cast of voice actors and a wide range of humor from the childish to the conventional adult humor made so that the parents don't go crazy with their kids.  What was really the icing on the cake during the date was the difference in jokes that I laughed at and what she laughed at.  Based on that alone you would have thought I had brought an adolescent niece to the movie.  Really all the adult jokes, even the obvious ones like "W.R. Monger", went right over her head; I don't even think there was a whooshing noise to accompany it.  The movie ended and I was thoroughly entertained, we got up to leave and I made jokes about her personality, and generally coming off like a jerk.  Something which she apparently laughs at and thinks is funny since it was the most natural she acted the entire night, who would have guess.  The moment I was belittling the fact that she listens to crunk rap and bad country music I decided to whip out the question of who her favorite band was again.  She answered politely once more; I didn't miss a beat and didn't crack into laughter, smooth as butter.

Memento is an awesome move, and disturbingly relevant.

The walk back to her car was pretty much the same as the walk out, basically because I made sure the conversation went the same way under the guise of not remember jack shit about her.  It wasn't that hard to do because she didn't really seem to tell me anything, didn't follow world events, hadn't heard of Somalia, needed clarification on swing flew (although don't we all), and barely batted an eyebrow at sub-prime mortgage crisis.  Oh well, I couldn't really help it, she had lived in Texas for 4 years so I shouldn't hold it against her...  I'm just kidding Texas you're an alright guy, especially in Austin or Houston.  So we were finally got back to her car and I decided to go for a 5th time asking what her favorite band was.  I sincerely apologized for not remembering and she took the bait, five questions five real answers and her not thinking that I had terrible short term memory the whole time.  She got in the car and said she had a lot of fun and left on her confused way.  

 

I was thoroughly disappointed in the date, but I figured you guys would enjoy.  It wasn't the only date I went on that day; find out how I cleansed my pallet with a late night visit to the Wallingford area to meet a girl woman who was more than 4 years older than me.